Dad was a Pedophile
This one came with a title, though I have no idea what will be written, here. I am the scribe — Heart writes the journals.
Where to start? It’s about the past, so let’s begin, there. Before about age 8, I have no memory — yet. I’m finally ready for it to fill-in, though — I’ve finally accepted the reality. I had a vision, once — about 10 years ago. There was a dark-haired man with the panties of a little child in his hand.
THE WAKING VISION
She was laying down, he was standing over her, half strangling her with the panties, inadvertently, as he tried to control her — she was protesting. There was no sound, just the sight of it, the vision — clear as day, in my room. I was wide awake, standing across the room from what I was seeing — my jaw probably hanging down.
The man looked to be about 35 or so — as I looked, I suddenly realized — he looked like the old picture in the family photo album — he looked familiar, somehow. God, that was so strange! I had no emotional connection to it — just an observer, I was — just watching. It lasted no more than a minute — but it was clear — so very clear, his intent. He wanted that child.
I didn’t put this together right then — it was just an external scene — I played no part — or so I then thought. Only after it vanished into thin air did I allow the thought to penetrate — that looked just like the photos — could that be my younger Dad? OMG — than that little one would be — me?? Surely, not!! (Actually, it wasn’t until my visiting friend — who’d also be sexually abused as a child — made the suggestion when I shared the vision, that I was forced to realize this possibility.)
Hard to go on, here — but I will. I just learned, earlier today, something that finally confirmed this for me. All this time I guess I’ve — no, it’s clear I’ve been blocking it out. Didn’t want to see — didn’t want to know.
MOVING HOME
During a transitional time over 30 years ago, after my stint in the USAF, after I’d married — when my little family— an infant child, a young husband & I , with no place to stay — came to the family home for a while.
The marriage broke-up — he couldn’t keep a job, lied on his resumes — lied to me. He was verbally abusive — very close to physically abusive, throwing a meal, dish & all, on the floor. I’d put mustard on the sandwich — he didn’t like mustard — just hitting things around me — not me — yet.
So long ago. Anyway, at some point he left — told him if he found a job & got settled, we’d come to him. He never did. So for a time my daughter & I lived with my parents. Don’t know if Dad molested her, then — one day I’ll ask her.
I was well shut of him — never mourned the loss or had a second thought. His only contact was to call a few years later, to tell me his dad had passed — how much he’d inherited — & that we would get none of it. Life is good to us, often in back-handed ways.
My daughter & I moved about 80 miles away, still in Arkansas, where I found office work for a while. Then I found waitress work, so I could be with my daughter, instead of putting her in daycare. I joined The Summit Lighthouse, studying their teachings at night, spending lots of time in prayer.
VOLUNTEER-WORK STINT
Move ahead a few years — I’ve gone out on my own, daughter in tow, to do volunteer work for The Summit Lighthouse, a new-age thing I was into back then — in Corwin Springs, Montana. It was working well enough for me — they had a private school for the children — this was their international headquarters — many of us, there. (They gave the staff room & board.) When my daughter — then almost five — wasn’t taking it well, I had to reconsider.
She was having uncontrollable diarrhea, strange physical symptoms that doctors couldn’t diagnose — nothing physically wrong. Also uncontrollable in class. These symptoms seemed to be saying to me, “I don’t like this” — so we moved back in with my parents. They were so happy to make room for us — staunch Catholics, they had no use for anything new-agey. Within the year they bought us a two-bedroom mobile home, put it on their property, a long stone’s throw from their home, & we were set.
BODY BREAKS DOWN
Or so I thought. That’s when my liver began to fail — pretty serious stuff. Had no energy at all, even to sit-up, much less care for my child, so Mom & Dad took her in for a time, while I dealt with my physical issues. (Eventually developed lymphoma, too — a tough time.)
Though I’m 64, now, I didn’t learn until today what happened during her (roughly 18-month) stay with them. She kept it mum — just as I’ve never told my brother about our Dad. (We try to protect the ones we love.)
Moving on — apparently Dad tried it with her, as well, only that little girl is tough — you don’t push her around. Raising her was a real boot camp for me — for us both — two hard-headed types — but we (eventually) came through it just fine. Anyway, what did I do, what did I say, when I was told (by someone close in whom she’d confided)? I made excuses for my Dad! Mom had moved out of their bedroom some years ago — so I mentioned that.
HIDING FROM SELF
OMG — the extent to which we go to keep things covered-up — hidden from ourselves. Always making excuses for him. Couldn’t see it, before, but in the presence of so much awakening — well, the Light is illumining the darkness, everywhere — including within. So only now, at 64, do these things see the light of day. OMG.
Not sure what else to say, here — this is mighty private stuff. Yet is it, really? What is “private,” after all? When we’re all just One — when we’re all telepathic, all united, deep within, there really is no two — only the One. And I know I’m never the only one going through whatever it is. Perhaps this has the power to extend a supporting hand to someone “else.”
What I know is that I’ve now cleared the way to finally remember what I’ve been blocking through 6+ decades — the horrors of my young life. My Dad was obviously sick in this way. I suspect he was abused, himself, though I’ve got no way to find out, at least on the physical plane, for of course, he’s long gone. He had a prior marriage — 2 girls — a divorce. Hmm. And if I hid this so well from myself, no doubt — well, I have no clue, really, how he would react if directly confronted.
LET THE HEALING BEGIN
I don’t care about him, though — this is all about me, all about healing a very serious, a very old wound. It’s already beginning to inch its way back into my awareness. I remember how Mom used to be a Tupperware lady — how she was often be elsewhere, giving a Tupperware party — while Dad took care of my little brother & I.
I also remember trying to tell Mom that something bad was going on. She cut me off, refusing to hear it — shut me down. With no one else to turn to, I learned to just keep it to myself. Then the forgetting began.
If this sounds like a sad story, well it is — & it isn’t. Bodies & minds can be violated, but never the soul — or the Heart. Those are untouchable — they remain pure. We are the only ones who can do any damage, there — & not to them, but by cutting ourselves off from them, generally by going into mind-mode.
ESCAPE INTO MIND
In school I excelled — hardly had to study, always good grades, sometimes at the top. Pursued that through earning 4 degrees — a BS, a BA, an M.Ed., & an A.A. (2-year degree) — in General Studies, no less, LOL — my interests were so wide-ranging. Yup, I hid behind a mask, as I see it, today — the smart one. Ha! Quaking in my boots, was I — but well hidden, indeed — especially from myself.
You see, I never really believed it — didn’t want to believe it, of course. It was just too horrible. Not anymore — well, not so much. I’ve likely still got a good deal of processing to go through, as the memories are now free to return. Oh, boy — oh well — just is what it is, friends. It’s time, now, to be integrating all of our own dark parts, our wounds.
We are the healers we seek — in Heart nothing is ever amiss. It makes perfect sense that, to join Higher Self there, we’d be about cleaning-up the shadows we’re carrying — OMG, for 60+ years, this one. It is certainly time, so why put it off? As we anchor within, connecting with Heart space, we stand in perfect Peace. Nothing, whatsoever, can even ruffle Heart, place of perfection that it is. Time for the body-mind to catch-up.
INITIATION LOOMS
Let’s get this job done, folks. Today — it’s now August 21st — is the big solar eclipse event, which represents ever so much more than just a show in the sky. As without, so within — as within, so without — we’re a reflection of That — let’s own it! Let’s take it — & everything — into Heart. The root of the word “courage” is “cour” — French for heart.
Please, don’t let the external chaos distract you from just Who you really are — Source walking the earth. We are all that, all beings of soul — of course, not the AI, & we’ve got some pretty sophisticated AI walking around, looking fully human. But that’s not us, so let nothing whatsoever distract us from our awakening trek. We’ve each got what it takes — whatever that is.
No, all aren’t awakening at precisely the same time — that would be too strange, anyway — too much of a shock. So let your own Heart — only your Heart — be your guide. Trust no one & nothing else over your Heart. Actually, though, that’s not quite correct, for that implies two — a you — & a Heart. It’s not like that — you, yourSelf, are actually that perfect one. Heart is just a word, pointing to That which You are — Source-in-form.
REMEMBERING WHO WE ARE
It’s time to be owning Who we really are — no longer willing to be held down & held back from claiming our true nature, our true identity. It’s at first quite shocking to mind — to think we could be perfect — & as the 3D body, the mind, we are not — but of course! That perfection ever abides within, until we’re ready to face it, ready to claim it — to be Who we truly are.
There is no arrogance in Heart, so don’t let this stuff go to your head. Poor dear mind doesn’t get any of this — nor does it need to, since mind is but the slide-rule, tool in the hand of Who You are. We were led into a system, here on earth, where head rules pretty much everywhere. It’s not natural, friends, & it’s behind all the rampant chaos, too.
We CAN do this — you know why? Because it won’t be the little self, anymore, doing the doing — that will be Heart. Source is the Dancer, & we are the dance — if we align, if we allow — if we get with the program & go within, where true Self abides. We were never, no not once, far away from That, from Source. It’s been right here, all along — but OMG — we just forgot.
Anyone laughing, yet? I surely am. It’s a tragicomedy of epic proportions, I’ll grant you that. But once — even just once — seen from Heart — well, it’ll never, ever be the same, again. It’s like the stinger of the insect has been removed, the fangs of the snake. No more can it do any more damage — ever again — not to us, the awakening ones.
LOL — we just forgot :-D
~♥~
11:50 pm, Sunday 2017/08/20, Mayan day 4 Night / Akbal
Interesting Mayan day for such a revelation. Four stands for stability — the 4 corners, the 4 pillars, that sort of thing. And Night — this is surely some of that!
